Saturday, 13 October 2012

The ideal wife

• Honey, are you sure you have enough beer for tonight?
• I love you working on the bike on Saturdays, we should do it together on Sundays?
• Honey, I have decided to walk naked at home.
• You are so sexy when you are hungry!
• Sweetheart, what kind of brakes do you want me to buy for the bike?
• Do you mind if we watch the game together tonight and finish a dozen of beers?
• I am going to wash the bike!
• No, No, No. I am changing the motor oil this time.
• Forget about St Valentine we can go for a bike show instead.
• Your mother is so much better than me.
• That's enough! I don't wanna go for shopping anymore. We better stay home, rent some hot movies and ....I can invite my girlfriend to join us.
• Listen, a new striptease bar just opened across the street. Why don't we go and take a look?
• Honey, I just enrolled myself in yoga classes to learn how to put my legs behind my neck. Only for you sweetheart.

Jedi Waterslide

• My fear is real as I study the drop
It took me an eon to get to the top
My hair and swimsuit still drip from the last ride
I wouldn't concede without dad by my side
We made it a game so I wouldn't have doubt
The Jedis are counting on me to help out
Darth Vader, the Emperor, and storm troopers fight
Only my courage will end this dark plight
I take a deep breath to dispell all my nerves
It doesn't relax, but the purpose it serves
With eyes shut tight I rush down the slide
It's amazingly long, but not very wide
I think I'm home free as my fear turns to glee
Half the way down, Dad is yelling to me
I think all the worst that could happen is through
Until Dad's words reach me,
"May the shorts be with you!"
by Layton Campbell

How the Executive Lost his Classy Kicks

• This extremely well-dressed and successful young executive was driving to a meeting when he found that the front left tire on his Lexus was flat.
• "What am I going to do?" he thought. But then he saw a gas station up ahead. It was a rundown shack with a grizzled man in overalls sitting on a porch with pools of oil, but at least it was a gas station; in the window was a large sign saying "help wanted". The executive drove up and got out of the car and explained the situation.
• "Why sure!" said the mechanic "I'm lookin' for a boy to work for me and help me out, so we're kinda short-handed. . .".
• He looked over the dapper, dignified and impeccably dressed executive's very expensive navy blue pinstriped business suit, his imported silk tie and gleaming cufflinks and white shirt, his polished black shoes, his hundred dollar haircut and his $1500 briefcase.
• "My name is Bud! You must be one of them executives!" said the mechanic. "I can tell by your classy kicks!"
• "My WHAT?" snapped the exec.
• "Your KICKS! Your SHOES! Mighty classy, sir!" grinned the mechanic.
• Yes. . .yes. Well, the FIRST thing people notice are your shoes!" said the executive in a condescending tone, as he straightened his tie and checked the shine on his shoes. "My name is Mr. James Porter. . .I am making an important presentation today! My whole career depends on it. Now please get to work! What are you doing?!"
• Bud was pulling out a huge pail of water. "You get a free car wash today, sir! I sure wish I had a boy to work for me - I gotta do this all myself!"
• "I don't have time for that!" cried Mr. Porter.
• "You wouldn't know anybody who would WORK for me, would you, sir?" asked Bud.
• "NO!" snapped Mr. Porter.
• "I should have known! Somebody who wears classy kicks like you do wouldn't know any grease monkeys!"
• "GET TO WORK" snapped Mr. Porter
• "Now, don't worry! You upper class folks are always worryin'!" And at that moment, Bud's foot hit the pail of water, and it toppled over, completely soaking Mr. Porter's expensively shod feet.
• "NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!!" yelled Mr. Porter. "My feet are DRENCHED through! SOAKED! Do you know how much these shoes cost! Someone like YOU doesn't have to worry about this!"
• "Oh, sir! Please accept my apology! All over your fancy high class shoes! Well, it's a fine day. . .just take off yer shoes and socks and let them dry! Nobody is gonna see ya!"
• "Take off my shoes and socks! I suppose I have no choice! I'm just glad that my colleagues can't see this!" said Mr. Porter, as he sat on the porch and slowly, grudgingly slid his feet out of his highly polished black Brooks Brothers shoes and then peeled off his business socks. Bud picked up the shoes and whistled with admiration.
• "Mighty fancy!" he said, with a grin. "Ya know, you look like you belong here now that yer barefoot!"
• "Put my shoes down immediately!" said Mr. Porter coldly.
• Mr. Porter carefully arranged his suit and tie as if to make up for the indignity of going barefoot.
• "Lemme show ya somethin', Mister Porter" said Bud, who got into the car and drove it forward - and ran over Mr. Porter's briefcase, ruining it.
• "MY BRIEFCASE!" yelled the businessman.
• "Sorry, sir! But I have to tell ya something!" said Bud, who was bending over the engine.
• "I didn't ask you to look at the engine" shouted Mr. Porter. "You destroyed my briefcase!!"
• "But you got a problem!" said Bud. "Look! Get closer!"
• Mr. Porter leaned over the engine. "I don't see anything. . ."
• "Closer!" said Bud.
• "I still don't. . ." and Mr. Porter began to lift his head, and felt himself stuck.
• "My tie!" he yelled. "My necktie. . .and my suspenders! They're caught in the engine!"
• "Look what ya done, sir! I'll get ya free!"
• "I DIDN'T DO THIS!" yelled Mr. Porter, but he couldn't move at all. His tie and his suspenders had gotten tied up in the engine. . ..Somehow.
• "Now just hold still!" said Bud, and in a moment, Mr. Porter was free, and his tie and suspenders were in Bud's hands.
• "ARE YOU INSANE?!" yelled Mr. Porter. "Give me those. . ."
• "Mr. Porter" said Bud, ignoring the comment. "I'm gonna need yer help in getting' that tire out of the back, and then you gotta help me get the new one - it's underneath an old engine. I can't lift 'em, ya see. I got lumbago. It's too bad I ain't got a boy to work for me!"
• "What?!" said Mr. Porter. "You expect ME to do it? Look at this suit! This is a two thousand dollar suit! It was tailored for me. I can't get it dirty, and this is a silk tie! And a hundred dollar shirt! I'm an executive. . .I don't do menial work. . ."
• "I'm sorry, sir. . ." said Bud. "There's no other way! I know! Why don't ya take off yer nice suit? I got a fine pair of overalls for ya!"
• "This is an outrage!" cried Mr. Porter. "I will NOT take off my suit! I have my dignity and my pride!"
• "Then you'll have yer dignity and yer pride but you won't get a new tire" said Bud.
• Mr. Porter stomped and fumed but finally gave in and angrily stripped off his pinstriped business suit, his cufflinks and his starched white shirt and placed them on a wooden table. Then he put on the greasy overalls and pulled the tire out of the trunk.
• But just then his bare feet hit a patch of oil, and he staggered backwards and fell; the filthy tire fell on top of him. He felt his head hit something soft. Bud ran over and said: "Mr. Porter, it's a good thing your head hit the tar! It broke yer fall!"
• The executive pushed the tire off, and felt the grease, gravel and tar all over his t-shirt and his face. He lifted what had been a manicured hand to his head and felt a mass of something gooey.
• "My hair!" Mr. Porter yelled, as he stood.
• "I gotta cut that tar out, sir! It ain't gonna come out any other way!" and he pulled out some scissors and with a few quick snips, the executive's neat haircut was replaced by a patchy crewcut.
• "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" yelled Mr. Porter.
• "Here, this will calm ya down!" Bud shoved a bottle of whiskey into Mr. Porter's hand and poured solme of it on his shirt.
• "NO!" yelled the executive. "LOOK AT ME, YOU IDIOT!"
• "Leave me alone! Help, police!" screamed Bud. He grabbed Mr. Porter's cell phone and called the police and then called the newspaper.
• In a moment the police were there.
• Bud whimpered: "This man is drunk! Just smell him, officer! And tried to beat me up! and rob the till!"
• "I DID NOT!" shouted Mr. Porter.
• "Assault, robbery, disorderly conduct, resisting arrest,'re coming with me!"
• And the policeman dragged the struggling Mr. Porter, barefoot in overalls off to jail.
• The next day the judge prepared to sentence Mr. Porter while they all looked at the newspaper with the headline: Drunk Thief Jailed for Assault and Robbery.
• But Bud said; "Your honor, don't put this man behind bars! He ATTACKED me, but, I'll allow him to make it up to me - I got an idea!"
• A month later, a customer drove up to Bud's and Bud called his new assistant to wait on him. A man in overalls and work boots and a crew cut came out and started to work on the car.
• "JIMMY BOY! Don't forget the oil! You ex-cons are always slow!"
• "YES, SIR!" said Jimmy-boy Porter.
• A Porsche with a "for sale" sign sat outside.
• A help wanted sign lay in the garbage.
• In the window was an Italian pinstriped business suit, a silk tie, a white shirt, and a pair of cuff links with a "for sale" sign.
• "Don't forget what I told ya!" snapped Bud.
• "But, please..." said Jimmy-boy.
• "NOW!" yelled Bud.
• Jimmy-boy sighed and went up to the customer.
• "Sir, we have a special today - with an oil change, you can buy these real cheap."
• He held up a pair of very expensive polished business shoes.
• "These are for sale. One pair of classy kicks - once worn by a former executive - best offer - silk socks included. After all, the first thing people notice are your shoes."

Headlites and wheels

Motorcycle rider pulls into a diner in upstate N.Y. Seats himself and asks the waitress for 2 headlites and 2 wheels. The waitress who had just worked all night wasn't in a good mood said what are you talking about? The rider already tired ,but happy to relax at the diner said" Just tell the cook he'll know what I mean but the expression 2 headlights and 2 wheels. By this time the waitress is pissed and yells back at the old cook, "I got this weird one out here who thinks you'll know what he wants if he orders 2 headlites and 2 wheels". Yeah I know what he wants, Yells the cook, He wants 2 eggs sunny side up and 2 pancakes. No problem . Well this just pisses off the waitress even more than before. SO, just be the breakfast is served to the rider, she walks up with a big plate of chili beans and slams them down on the table. "Here" she yells for all to hear, " here's you chili! But, the rider who didn't order the chili answers back What is this for? The waitress is ready for this yells back" I thought you would want to gas up before you took off"